How to Become a Master of Resilience
Life is too much a miracle for not getting up and trying again.
Everyone has to start somewhere!
My start was a cold and dark winter evening, a few minutes after 8 o’clock when I entered the stage of life, a Capricorn, the only son, a middle child to be. Rumor says I didn’t smile for a long time. Despite conflicting pictures, I had more of a stern character, an observer type.
Once a toddler, curiosity joined my traits. I put one finger into an empty bulb holder. For a long time, I still believed a snake was living inside of it. I also bit off from a drinking glass, wondering how it tastes (no taste at all, by the way), and I ran through a door (successfully) because my two sisters locked me out, or in, depending who you asked back then. It was a pleasant early childhood in my little universe. Life was good.
What exactly is resilience?
Fast forward. I was in my early 40s when a good friend of mine once asked,” Armin, how come that you are so resilient?” “What exactly do you mean?” I replied, not having been familiar with the concept of resilience yet. “Well, I know that you had to face a couple of tough blows in your life, but you always get up and seem to be such a positive person?” Honestly, I never really thought about it too much. So, I decided to discover what it was that I am supposed to have more of than others, resilience.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines it as:
“The process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands”.
Better imagine yourself in the ring with Muhammad Ali. He personifies the challenges of life and knocks you down again and again. Even though the standing count has started, you rise to your feet. You are like Rocky Balboa. You never give up. Why, because life is too much a miracle for not getting up and trying again. Never throw the towel!
Etymologically, resilience originates from the Latin word “resilire”: to rebound. It has a bit of a technical aftertaste, right? Just visualize a spring that bounces back into its initial position, beautiful but mechanical. Therefore in the world of psychology, resilience goes hand in hand with the adjectives “personal, psychological or mental” to give it a more human touch.
Challenges of life can be single events or long periods, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship (divorce), job loss, health (cancer) or financial problems, natural disasters, terrorist attacks, or a pandemic, to name just a few. What is minor for some represents a Herculean challenge for others. Resilient people can handle such adversities better and rebuild their lives faster.
In my understanding, resilience is less a process than a life attitude. It does not matter if you were born with it or not. Genes contribute something, the same as how you grew up, but most of all that you decide to be in the driver’s seat. If not yet, it is never too late. Everyone can make this decision and learn how to become more resilient. Never-not-trying is the basic principle.
It is beyond the scope of this article, but the concept of resilience is also applicable to other systems, like nature, corporations (an inspiring approach), or society. We humans, as a collective, can be resilient to crises and setbacks caused by conflicts of war, natural disasters, or Covid-19. Some are better than others, but everyone can work on it.
Life is writing its screenplay!
When I was 11 years old, I had my first written English exam. I was so proud and excited, but the night before, my father didn’t come home from work, as he was supposed to. He was a loving person, but sick. He had a drinking problem. I didn’t talk about this with anyone, thinking that this only happened in our family. Not until the age of 19, already a student, I broke the silence. I shared my story with a good friend who, in return, unexpectedly told me his one. What a relief, finally opening-up, and learning that I was not the only one out there. Over the years, I understood that everyone (!) has a story to tell but often is too ashamed to let it out. Alcohol, sickness, abuse, drugs, sexual orientation, I heard a lot and became a good listener. Sharing is caring and a booster for resilience. What is your story?
I also discovered what is called Positive Framing. You put a challenging situation into a bigger context. It does not mean going into denial, but comparing your challenge to something bigger, or maybe something worse. In return, this makes everything a bit less dark. Don’t get me wrong. The challenge is still there, but it allows you to get back into control and to move to the positive side of life.
Honestly, it doesn’t always work. When my father passed away, and in particular when I had to say goodbye to my mom at an early age (60 respectively 67), I was emotionally on my knees. Parents are supposed to be around forever! Eventually, I had to understand that losing a loved one takes some time. In the end, I was grateful for having had them for a good many years. Resilience in this context is to transform grief into warm memories. Whoever you lost, they would have wanted you to move on with a positive attitude.
“Life is nonlinear” was also something I experienced during my first marriage. Unexpectedly my ex-wife decided to discontinue our relationship. A pretty nasty war of roses followed. This entire episode showed how hard life can hit you. The referee gave me a standing nine count. Just in time, I moved out of my comfort zone and went to a hippy festival in the desert of Nevada. The latter provided me with the necessary (drug-free) kick to get up again. In the meantime, I have found new love and sunshine in my life. Nobody can guarantee you happiness, but you can do a lot to increase the probability that Fortuna will kiss you (again).
Everyone can learn how to be more resilient!
As mentioned above, it is not about being or not being resilient, but rather having more or less of a particular life attitude. Each of you can train, with the necessary commitment and determination, how to be more capable of dealing with smaller and larger setbacks in life. Let me share with you my four main secrets of how to become a Master of Resilience.
First, watch your physical fitness. I was in bad shape, a couple of stairs, and I surrendered. Then I decided to start running, initially on a treadmill, eventually marathons. Pick whatever you like, swimming, ballet, anything. Just don’t forget: binging is not an Olympic discipline. Any sport stimulates your hormone production (be it dopamine, serotonin, or others), at least short term. You will feel good afterward.
In the long run, you strengthen your body and improve your endurance, but don’t overdo it. Like with most things in life, it is all about moderation. Also, get sleep and drink enough water. Ah, and no drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. It might give you a short kick, but it will not help you get up again.
Second, be more proactive and always think positively about life. While being-on-alert, is coded into our genes, this vital trait is in sleeping mode with most people. They are too passive. For being more resilient, you have to be in the driver’s seat, actively living a forward-looking life.
Another key to becoming a resilient Master is a positive attitude. Seeing every glass half empty is easy. When you perceive it half-full, you will feel true happiness. Monty Python’s “always look on the bright side of life” definitely has something. Unfortunately, we usually don’t realize how negative we are. Try to mentally step aside and actively listen to your words while talking. I experienced such a moment and understood that it was time for some change.
There are various ways, spinning to the more positive side. One example is keeping a journal. Write for a couple of weeks every evening, three little things you have been grateful for that particular day. It will work wonders.
Third, chose your surrounding wisely. Positive and emphatic people are vital to our resilience. Negative ones, on the other hand, will drag you down, and in particular, so-called energy vampires. Try to avoid them. It is always about giving and taking, though. Spread positive vibes wherever you can. It will make other people happy and regenerates. During my challenging periods, I was grateful that I had wonderful friends and a family with who I could share a lot. I even went to a shrink once, but I must admit it was not mine. However, if you need professional help, there are tons of people and institutions out there. Only not asking for support (if you need it) is the wrong choice.
Fourth, personal change takes time and requires multitasking. Rome was not built in a day, either. The good news, lots of ways lead not only to the eternal city but also to more resilience. One very important is self-awareness. Understand yourself and the situation you are in, your need for action, your strengths, and opportunities.
Every journey starts with one little step. Accept that change is part of life, a chance rather than a threat. Also, life has no inherent meaning. You have to give it one. Work on your communication skills but stay authentic and build up emotional intelligence. Make realistic plans, and try to realize them. Think long term for long-term happiness. Do not care what others think.
Do more what makes you happy. Every emotion is good because it tells you that you are alive. It is ok to cry and to scream sometimes, though try to stay on the bright side in the long run. Last but not least, those who can’t laugh at and with the challenges of life will never understand resilience.
Key Take-away
There are a lot of people who struggle once in a while, some less, some more. There is almost no one out there who has not faced a difficult situation at least once. Challenges (and their intensity) are perceived differently, but they happen regularly. You are not alone! If you want to be better prepared and to walk on the path towards Master of Resilience, always remember:
- Physical health is the base for getting up again,
- Be proactive, in the driver’s seat with a hopeful outlook,
- Be positive, happy, and kind,
- Surround yourself with positive and energetic people and spread good vibes,
- Becoming more resilient takes time but always pays off.
And some bonus recommendations:
- Positive framing helps, though once in a while, open the valve,
- Sharing is caring, but there is no shame in asking for professional help,
- Step out of your comfort zone,
- Change is part of life, and life nonlinear,
- Covid-19 will be gone at some point. Think about what kind of resilient skill you can take-away from this pandemic.
Last but not least: don’t run through a shut door. It will not bring you any closer to resilience. The way to becoming a true Master starts with a first step, combined with determination and commitment. Everyone can do that. Why, because life is too much a miracle for not getting up and trying again.
